November 2011 - bestsolicitorsllp.co.uk

Two mommies and a Dad

I’m often outspoken in my support for alternative families. I have to share a wonderful message that I received this morning.

Following an amicable separation and almost a year of agonising / soul searching, Mommy decided to take a leap of faith and move in with her female partner. Unusually and admirably her husband has been supportive, selfless and totally focused on working with her to make the change work for their 4 yr old son. It’s been a long journey and they have been super conscious about how the son’s friends and their parents will react. Playground gossip etc. Children aside, adults can be cruel and judgemental when faced with new situations and alternative families albeit sometimes unintentionally. Their children pick up on the negativity and uncertainly.

However, yesterday imagine the delight when the son’s friend said “I wish I had two mommies!”! I know that it sounds so simple and insignificant but to three lovely people, two of whom contemplated denying their identity, it’s such a big deal. Their son is a delightful boy.

Mommy 1, Mommy 2 and Dad, I get it. Thanks for sharing. Time to take me off speed dial and start believing in yourselves as great parents. Dad, you are an inspiration and should share your story on a blog (OnlyDads). I’m so pleased that in the past year particularly, I’ve seen more fathers passionately pursue their parental rights. The current reports in the press do not assist and are slightly rabble rousing. You continue to share parental rights and should purse them as best as you can.

Embrace change.

Best regards

Harjit Sarang

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Separated couples – Contact with the children at Christmas time

Contact with children over Christmas

Family law solicitors are inundated with Christmas contact enquiries during this time of the year. My advice is usually that if you live close enough to one another, the day could be shared between you. Parent 1 could have the morning to 1400/1500 and Parent 2 could have the afternoon / evening (times may vary). That way, the children see both of you and enjoy the day.

Resisting contact or refusing to facilitate contact to punish your ex Partner is indirectly punishing the children and demonstrates an inability to put the needs of the children first.

If you live far apart, it is unfair to expect the children to spend hours on Christmas day travelling. It is also unfair on you/your ex partner to have to travel when you could be enjoying your day. In those cases we encourage parent 2 to have contact on Boxing Day. The following year, the routine alternates with parent 2 having contact on Christmas day and parent 1 having contact on Boxing Day.

It is difficult to reach an amicable agreement when one is in the process of an acrimonious divorce. However, think about the cost savings of reaching an amicable agreement. A good family law solicitor will encourage you to put the needs of the children first. Unless there are welfare issues, the children should be spending time with both parents. Try to put the children’s needs first please.

Best regards

Harjit Sarang

Contact General

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Dear Dowry

I was recently contacted by BBC Asian Network for comments regarding the practice of paying a dowry.

I remember my father telling me that a bank account and address book were two things that an Indian father gets ready when his daughter is born. A bank account to save for the wedding and dowry, an address book to start making contacts with men who have sons of the same age as his daughter. Even as a teenager, I was insulted at the thought of a dowry payment being made for me.

The tradition of arranging a marriage is in decline for many reasons not least because more Asian marriages are ending in divorce. The stigma of divorce is no longer what it was particularly, as communities are integrating and the focus is shifting from
family / society based decisions, to more selfless decisions putting the child’s best interests first. The sexism in our culture is also on the decline as daughters get educated, move away from home and prove themselves to be independent strong ladies who don’t need to be cocooned and ‘married off’ to someone who will look after them for a dowry.

Dowry payments are customery however, the focus has shifted. If a Groom’s family request a dowry, in my opinion, it’s time for a quick exit! Expensive gifts are given at Asian weddings and that continues. You may want to gift things and register them in your daughter’s name if you are gifting a house or a car for example. You may also wish to consider a prenuptial agreement to cover such items if the marriage breaks down within the first 5 years perhaps.

I know of families who have spent in excess of £100k on a wedding (including dowry) that didn’t survive the honeymoon. There is no automatic right to a refund of wedding expenses or a dowry. A good family law solicitor may be able to
negotiate the return of a dowry for you if the marriage has been short. Needless to say, specific legal advice is required when parting with large sums of money in order to plan to reduce the risk of losing the funds on breakdown of marriage.

In the strictest of Asian families’ we still sadly see forced marriages. Fortunately, a way out is available as the law is focusing on identifying and providing remedies for these victims. If the bride and groom have a free choice as to marriage, the freedom to date and make an informed decision, the marriage is less likely to break down. If you want to gift a dowry, do remember that it is not something that you are guaranteed to get back if the marriage breaks down.

Best regards

Harjit Sarang

Divorce Prenuptial agreements

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